Adventures of the Normality Impaired
by Don'tGetSchwinned
Summary: A comedy story about what happens when the Order of the Phoenix is forced to go into hiding without magic! Mostly about their daily life and mishaps. Not sure what it will come down to yet. :
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling and I do not own anything Harry Potter-related, as AWESOME as that would be ;)**

1. THE VOLDEMORT PROBLEM

"Shut up, I want to hear this!" hissed an angry Hermione, trying to sideswipe Ron, who was arguing with Fred and George somewhat loudly. The Extendable Ears weren't working as it is, so the kids could barely hear what the Order of the Phoenix members were talking about in the living room downstairs.

It was a tight squeeze on the stairwell amongst the kids: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, and Ginny. Although Fred and George were seventeen, the adults hadn't let them in the Order, especially since they would relay all the information back to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, and probably Ginny, too. Sirius told Harry most of the information anyway, which he gave to Ron and Hermione.

They all stopped dead silent when they heard the low voice of Snape speak from downstairs. They weren't used to hearing Snape at the Order meetings.

"The best option is obviously to relocate," he drawled. The kids looked at each other. Relocate? Where? What was going to be relocated? "We have no other choice. You-Know-Who knows that the Order is stationed here at Grimmauld Place."

Once the kids heard the information, they knew why they were kept out of Order meetings. They looked at each other in horror.

"He will do anything at this point to get to Harry, or any of us for that matter. The best option is to go into hiding," Snape said. "We may as well become a part of Albus's Wizard Protection Program."

Harry's eyes widened, larger than the rest of his friends'.

"Why does he want _you_?" Fred asked in a slightly mocking tone to lighten the ominous mood that had descended upon the stairs.

"Don't know who would, mate," said George, winking at Harry. Harry's stomach had dropped to the deepest pit possible. He knew that Voldemort wanted to kill him; he had certainly tried and failed enough times, but the fact that he knew where exactly he was and that he wanted the rest of the Order as well made him sick.

"I take it that they cannot attend Hogwarts, then," a voice Harry recognized as Remus Lupin's said.

"I am afraid not," Snape said, although all the kids knew the irony that lay behind that statement. Snape hated every last one of them, and they knew it. They all graciously returned the hatred, too.

Hermione's eyes opened incredulously. Not attend Hogwarts? This was the worst possible thing she could imagine. She _had_ to go. They couldn't keep her away from school.

Fred and George high-fived each other enthusiastically, and Hermione couldn't help but grimace.

Ron and Harry stared at each other, not sure what to make of the news. Although they didn't exactly _love_ school, it was somewhat enjoyable and neither could imagine _not_ going back for their fifth year.

"The safest place would be to hide in the Muggle world," the voice of Kingsley Shacklebolt said, who had obviously known about this with Snape.

"All of us?" asked Molly Weasley.

"All of us. And absolutely _no_ magic."

**Pleeease keep reading, it will get better and funnier! Review! 3**


	2. Welcome to Chicago

2. WELCOME TO CHICAGO…

It was three days before the start of term. The kids were used to having their school things packed and ready, but they hadn't bought any school things. They were preparing to move to their new Muggle home on the outskirts of Chicago, Illinois, in the United States. The kids had all heard of Chicago, sure, but they knew it was a Muggle city and none of them expected to visit anytime, ever.

The entire Order would stay in one house, a large one at that, and wouldn't be allowed to use any type of magic except for undetectable protection charms around the house. It could be detected by the Ministry, which was suspected of having Death Eater relations and infiltrations.

In addition to moving somewhere so far away, it would be hardest to get used to living like a Muggle- no magic. At all. The entire Order would have to get used to it. The kids would all be enrolled in the same public high school and live like Muggle teenagers.

Today was the day the Order would be moved to the new house. The leaders of the Order had organized numerous Portkeys to transport them to the States. It was early morning, and everyone was up and ready with their things.

Molly Weasley cooked a quick breakfast, and they were off. They separated into their respective groups, and before they knew it, they had left Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, and had arrived their new home. The house was bigger than any of them could've imagined, like a mansion, almost.

"Well, go inside," Arthur Weasley said, ushering the kids inside. Harry looked up at the spiral staircases on each side of the entrance hall and at the grand glittering chandelier. Hermione let out a gasp, a smile on her face.

"Amazing," she whispered.

"Bloody hell," said Ron.

Fred and George were thinking about all the things they could do in this big house, you could almost hear the gears turning in their heads.

"Hey, we'll let off the last of our dungbombs and each run up a different staircase," Fred said, elbowing George. George sniggered.

"No you won't," Ginny said, glaring at the twins alongside Molly.

Within minutes, the entire Order of the Phoenix had assembled themselves in the large lobby with the staircases to read off room arrangements. As they figured, the older Weasley boys, Bill, Charlie, and Percy, would room together, and the younger Weasley boys and Harry would room together. Hermione would room with Ginny. None of them stayed long enough to hear the rest of the arrangements.

Nameplates were on the outsides of their doors, probably there by magic. Harry read the nameplates as he walked down the hallway: Remus Lupin /Sirius Black/Mundungus Fletcher, Kingsley Shacklebolt/Mad-Eye Moody, Nymphadora Tonks/Hestia Jones, Hermione Granger/Ginny Weasley, Arthur and Molly Weasley, Severus Snape/Aberforth Dumbledore (he couldn't help but laugh at that one), Fred/George/Ron Weasley/Harry Potter, and Bill/Percy/Charlie Weasley.

He wasn't laughing, though, when he noticed that his room was next to Snape's. He would probably bark at them to be quiet every waking moment, much like he did in Potions class.

"Everyone, get back down here!" Molly Weasley shouted in her screeching voice. She must have meant the kids, because when they all arrived, the rest of the Order was assembled in the lobby of the house.

"There are things to be discussed," Mad-Eye Moody said, eyeing every last one of them with his whizzing blue eyeball. Harry shot a look at Ron, who simply shrugged.

"First of all, absolutely NO MAGIC will be allowed in this house. The only magical privileges are to be reserved for Kingsley Shacklebolt and myself for the good of the inhabitants. Your wands, please," he said, opening a metal safe that stood upon a wooden bench.

Each member of the Order grudgingly gave up their wands, ushering the kids to do the same. Harry regrettably handed over his wand, wondering how he was going to live without magic.


	3. Batman

3. BATMAN

Getting settled into the house had been considerably quick; the Wizard Protection Program had already furnished the house with appliances and furniture. They had only needed to unpack their own possessions and clothes, which had been shrunk into their bags. Harry and Ron had already had a row with Snape about moving the furniture, which could be heard from the other side of the wall and "gave him a bloody headache."

The first night in Chicago was an utter fiasco, starting with a trip to the bank. The Order had unanimously voted Snape to go and withdraw some of the money that the WPP had put into an account. They had taken care of basically everything, except for teaching them how to live as Muggles. Two thousand miles away from home.

Severus Snape threw on his cloak and left in a huff. He knew he was sure to get chants of the Batman theme from insufferable Muggle teenagers, but he didn't care. He could hex them wandlessly if he needed to.

To his surprise, no one made fun of him on his way to the bank, but rather stared. He found the bank without a problem, just having to ask a scrawny cabdriver for directions, who seemed quite frightened of him. He walked inside and made his way to the front desk. Two young employees in suits whispered to each other and stifled giggles. Snape could've sworn he'd heard "Batman" in a whisper. He rolled his eyes.

"May I help you?" the first one asked, leering over at his partner. His partner seemed to choke on the water he was sipping, escaping to the back room.

"I would like to withdraw from my account," Snape said in a business tone of voice. He heard spasms of laughter from the back room, laughter that was probably directed towards him and not meant to be heard.

"Card, please," the employee asked. Snape handed over the card and the employee inspected it. "This a new card?"

"Obviously," Snape drawled, glaring at the employee.

The employee did what he had to do with the card, finding no problems with it. "How much would you like to withdraw?"

"I… How much is sufficient for a few days? I have a rather large… family back home," Snape said, almost laughing at the irony of the word "family", considering most of the people he was being forced to live with felt mutual hate.

"I… I am not sure what you mean, sir. Grocery-wise? Paying bills? Shopping for necessities?" The employee looked at him suspiciously.

"Grocery-wise," Snape said almost instantly. He assumed it would be for groceries. If anyone needed money for other things, he would force them to come to the bank themselves. He didn't not want to deal with any insufferable idiots like this employee.

"A hundred dollars, maybe two?" the employee said. "Is this some kind of joke?"

Snape was almost ready to crack. "Joke? Why in the name of Merlin would you suspect my presence to be a joke?"

"Name of… Merlin?' the employee, though clearly shocked, stifled laughter.

Snape stood there for a moment, silent. "Yes. Merlin. My father," he finally said. This was the best he could do. "Now please give me my money. I have things to do."

The employee looked taken aback. He pushed a receipt across the table in addition to two crisp hundred-dollar bills.

"What is this?" Snape asked, staring blankly at the piece of paper the employee had handed to him.

"A receipt, sir. You sign it. Do they not have these in England?" the peeved employee said. Snape nodded. He wasn't sure what to do with it.

"It's customary in this country to sign with a pen… Seeing as you can't do that, here's a crayon," the employee said, handing him a green crayon. "Unless you can't use this either."

Snape impatiently took the crayon, his cheeks starting to burn (he was _never_ publicly embarrassed simply because he could hex people as much as he needed to). He signed his name in his miniscule scrawl. At that, everyone in line started to cheer. He handed over the crayon and the receipt in exchange for the money and glared at every last person in line as he made his way to the door.

He was ready to Apparate back to the house when he remembered that he was not allowed to do magic anymore. He hurriedly walked back to the house, suffering through one chant of the Batman theme from a car full of rowdy Muggle teenagers. They were silent the second he glared icily at them.

"Never… again," he huffed as he blasted through the front door.


	4. In Wonderland

4. IN WONDERLAND

"You know what to do, right, mate?" Ron nudged Harry. Molly Weasley had trusted Ron, Harry, and Charlie with the daunting task of going to the grocery store, something she should've done herself.

Yes, Harry knew about Muggle grocery stores, but he didn't know what to buy, where to go, or if he had enough money. He fidgeted with the crisp hundred-dollar bill in his pocket that Snape had uneasily given him. Harry concluded that Snape's trip to the bank hadn't gone well because he was exceptionally angry when he'd arrived home.

Harry, Ron, and Charlie eventually found what they were looking for. Ron and Charlie stood dumbfounded in the middle of the automatic door, taking in every square inch of the store.

"Come on, you're going to get-" Harry stopped himself and decided to have a laugh instead of warning them that the automatic door was starting to close. The door closed on Ron and Charlie, who shrieked like little girls and ran into the store.

"Harry, bloody hell! Why didn't you-" Ron realized that Harry was nearly doubled over with laughter.

"Merlin's pants!" cursed Charlie. "That's not funny!" Ron and Charlie were both cross, realizing that several people had seen what happened and were laughing.

If everyone in the house could've seen that, Harry thought. But then again, none of them (except Hermione) knew what an automatic door was and would probably get closed on, too. They would insist it was magic, no doubt, and then Moody would probably try to bash the door in.

The three boys walked through the store with absolutely no idea what to buy for dinner. Harry took charge and decided on a large array of frozen dinners, yet another thing that simply astounded Ron and Charlie. They walked to checkout, each of them juggling as many frozen dinners as they could, hopefully enough to last through lunch tomorrow.

The young Muggle girl behind the counter looked amused, stifling giggles as she finished ringing up an order. The three boys turned red up to their ears, depositing the frozen dinners on the counter. Ron and Charlie turned to look at each other in amazement when the conveyor belt started to move.

The girl rang up the order, totaling $62.33. Harry nervously handed over the only bill he had, hoping it was enough. He couldn't quite decipher the look on the girl's face, but she handed him some bills and coins. Harry breathed a sigh of relief.

"Whoa, let me see that!" Ron said, wrestling a dollar bill out of Harry's hand. He studied it. "It's not moving… Oy, it looks like the troll that Quirrell let in during first year!" Ron pronounced through laughter.

"Let me see that… Quirrell let in… a troll?" Charlie asked, giggling.

"Shut up!" Harry hissed to the both of them. Charlie and Ron were nearly doubled over, laughing. "Not here!"

The girl gave them strange looks as she bagged the frozen dinners.

The boys carried home the bags in a rush, dropping them the second they burst through the door. Kingsley was talking rather seriously to Snape. The other hundred-dollar bill was lying on the table next to Snape. Ron snatched the bill.

"Is there a troll on this one, too?" Ron exclaimed as Snape tried to take the bill out of his hand. Ron wrestled it away. "It looks like you," he said, handing him back the bill. Harry cringed, nearly hearing the gears turning in Snape's head about all the horrible things he would probably do to them once they were asleep. He was scowling and probably ready to smack Ron upside the head.

"Ron!" Hermione gasped, choosing the wrong moment to walk in the room. She was trying to stifle her laughter along with Harry. But the man on the bill did bear resemblance to Snape…

"Let me see it!" Charlie exclaimed, taking the bill from Snape's hand. He hooted, joining Ron on the floor laughing. What the hell, Harry decided, knowing Snape would probably do his best to get them all back later.


	5. Spontaneous Combustion

5. SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION

"Frozen dinners?" exclaimed Molly Weasley. "We trust you boys to feed us and you buy _frozen dinners_? And what is this about dinner being _frozen_, now? What happened to making your own dinner?" she ranted.

"Or making it appear by magic…" Ron muttered, shooting a glance at Moody, one of the two people in the house that could use magic.

Ron, Harry, and Charlie were subjected to listen to Molly rant for at least five minutes before she set them free so she could figure out how to cook these "frozen dinners."

She honestly could not figure it out… Yes, there were appliances in the kitchen, but the only one she recognized was the stove. She decided to ask the one person that would actually be of some help.

"HERMIONE!" she shouted up the stairs. Hermione, who had been in her room unpacking, ran downstairs, wondering if something had gone wrong.

"What's happened?" she asked nervously. She saw Molly fiddling with something in the kitchen.

"I need… I don't know what to do with these…" Molly muttered. She was slightly embarrassed that even as the best cook in the house, she couldn't cook a frozen dinner.

"You microwave them," Hermione said, pointing to the microwave in the corner of the kitchen.

"Microwave?"

"Yes, it's like… It's the same thing as cooking, really, but… I don't know if these microwaves are different than those in England, but-"

"Do I put them in?"

"Uh, yes. Put them in… Well, read the directions first. Let me see," she said, taking one of the dinners from the stack. My, it was a rather large stack, she thought, inwardly giggling. "Microwave for 4-5 minutes on high…" she trailed off. She took off the packaging, put it in the microwave and set the timer and it started to cook.

"That's… That's all you do? It cooks by itself? And why does it revolve?" Molly inquired.

"Yes, that's all you do," Hermione said, walking out of the kitchen before Molly could call her back to answer more questions.

"Hm… I don't like this…" Molly muttered to herself. Once the timer went off, she took it out, forgetting to put on oven mitts.

"MERLIN'S PANTS!" she exclaimed, dropping the food on the floor. It splattered across the shiny kitchen tiles. She cursed to herself and mopped up the spill with a rag.

"Molly, are you all right?" said Arthur Weasley, walking into the kitchen.

"Fine, fine," she said, shooing him away.

He walked closer, intrigued by the microwave. "What's this?" he asked curiously.

"A… Er… I don't know what Hermione called it, but it cooks food…"

"Let's put one in, then," Arthur said, shoving a whole dinner box into the microwave. He didn't notice that in order for the dinner to cook, he had to take off the packaging. He pressed buttons willy-nilly, just to see what would happen.

"Are you sure it's in right?" Molly asked him.

"Quite positive," Arthur said, eyeing the microwave as if it was something dangerous. They sat as the food revolved around the microwave.

_BOOM._ Suddenly smoke was everywhere, along with scorching food that now covered the floor, the walls, and the microwave. It had just barely missed Molly and Arthur.

The members of the house all ran into the kitchen, including Moody and Kingsley with their wands drawn.

"Bloody hell, what happened in here?" asked Sirius, inspecting the splattered food all over the kitchen. The other members of the Order did as Sirius did. None of them had ever seen a microwave, nor frozen dinner, nor splattered food.

"It… Arthur did it!" Molly exclaimed. Everyone in the kitchen looked at Arthur. Arthur put his hands up in defense.

"Hermione taught her how to use it!" he said. Suddenly all eyes were on Hermione.

"It was Harry's idea to buy the frozen dinners!" she exclaimed.

"But Snape was the one that went to the bank!" Harry said, preparing for a scowl from Snape, which he got.

"The Dark Lord…" he started, and then realized it was a lost cause.

Molly mopped up the food and Hermione spent the rest of her evening teaching everyone in the house how to microwave frozen dinners.


	6. The Shores of Jersey

6. THE SHORES OF JERSEY

Rain pounded against the window in the boys' room. A loud clap of thunder woke Harry with a start. Ten minutes passed, and Harry was still up, wide-eyed, listening to Fred snore. The clock read 4:27 AM. At least it's morning, Harry thought.

"Humph… No, please not the… I don't want… Don't want sick chicken…" Ron muttered, obviously sleep-talking. He rolled over. Harry chuckled. Ron's frozen dinner had given him slight food poisoning, according to Dr. Hermione, probably from being left out then improperly cooked.

"SICK CHICKEN! NO!" Ron sleep-shouted. Then he rolled onto the ground with a loud thud. He just kept snoring, completely ignoring the fact that he had just fallen onto the floor. Harry laughed until he heard someone bang the wall from the other side, undoubtedly Snape. He must be the lightest sleeper on the planet to wake up for that, Harry thought, or not even asleep at all.

Harry decided he wouldn't get another wink of sleep and crept downstairs to see if he could find a television, something he was never allowed to use at the Dursley's but could have free reign with here. When he came into the large family room, he found Hermione already sitting there with her eyes glued to the screen.

"'Lo," Harry muttered and sat down next to her. "Found it?"

She looked up at him and smiled. "I had it all to myself until you came down… The one thing that Hogwarts needs…"

Harry agreed and turned his attention to the show. Two girls in horrid clothing with rather… _orange_ skin were fighting, throwing around Muggle curse words.

"Bloody hell, what is this, Hermione?" Harry asked. She had a mesmerized-yet-disgusted look on her face.

"It's called Jersey Shore, I believe… An American Muggle show. It's horrible, but I can't stop watching it," she smiled sheepishly. Harry sat there and watched the show until he couldn't take it anymore.

"Is anyone else up?" he asked Hermione.

"Constant vigilance… Constant vigilance," Harry heard muttering.

"There's your answer," Hermione chuckled. It was Mad-Eye Moody, walking into the room with his wand drawn for no apparent reason.

Harry looked up at Moody. "Have you been up all night just walking around? Why don't you go to sleep?" he suggested.

Moody looked taken aback. "Can you imagine what would happen if I went to sleep?" he growled. "The _second_ I lower my wand is the _second_ someone-"

"Okay, okay, sorry… Didn't mean to offend you," Harry said,

"I never sleep anyways, so what good is it to try? And what makes you think I would sit here watching Muggles fight with Granger?" he smiled crookedly.

"It is a bit… horrid," she said.

"Dung is snoring," someone said bitterly, walking into the room. It was Sirius, with Lupin following close behind. Harry chuckled.

"Ron was sleep-talking, then he… he fell on the floor," Harry said.

Sirius laughed.

"Is he all right? Still vomiting?" Lupin asked. Harry shook his head but both wizards' attention was already on something else- the T.V. They both seemed amazed as they inquired Hermione endlessly, sitting down in a daze to watch. Neither of them were phased by the content of the show, but they seemed to be rather upset when it ended.

"Don't worry, it's a marathon," Hermione chuckled.

"A marathon?" Harry asked. "Dammit…"

Slowly the others started to wake up, coming downstairs to the T.V. room, probably allured by the bright light and uproarious comments and laughter by Remus and Sirius. Tonks and Ginny were rather sucked into it, but the Weasley boys- with the exception of Ron and Percy, who were still asleep- were either amazed by the T.V., or the Muggle girls in it.

By sunrise, everyone was up and watching Jersey Shore in the family room, except for Moody, who was still patrolling. Molly commented quite often about the somewhat explicit content, deeming the show "inappropriate for young wizards." Snape ended up sitting awkwardly between Remus and Sirius on the couch to watch the show, a disgusted look on his face, not unlike the one he gave to Harry's potions. His hand twitched whenever Sirius spoke, indubitably wanting to slap him. Even Kingsley and Aberforth Dumbledore were watching the show, somewhat sucked in.

Harry didn't know why… It was probably the ugliest thing he had ever seen next to Voldemort…


	7. Bonding Over Calculators

**Sorry for the wait, everyone. I've been having a bit of writer's block. ;)**

7. BONDING OVER CALCULATORS

"School?" Ron complained. "We have to go to _school?_ _Muggle_ school?"

"You have to, it's a requirement," Molly Weasley argued. She put a frozen dinner in the microwave and it started to cook.

Harry sat at the table, taking in the news. They would have to go to Muggle school, a place Harry hadn't been to in five years. The Weasley kids had never been to a Muggle school at all; they had never experience Muggle curriculum. Hermione would still get top marks; no doubt, he had noticed her poring over her Muggle math and science textbooks earlier in the day.

"You don't have to pass every class, but I expect you to go and abide by the rules!" Molly said.

"Watch out, though. There's a traitor around every corner…" said Moody, walking into the kitchen only to walk back out. He never missed out on an opportunity to warn anyone to watch out.

"Do we have to do the work?" Fred asked.

"To the best of your ability, you will!" Molly scolded. "Even Dad and Sirius are going to school, so you must, too."

Ron had a puzzled look on his face. "But they're decades older than the rest of us! Why do they have to go?" He received an icy glare from his father and Sirius about the age comment.

"Driving school," Sirius said mid-chew. He was eating a frozen dinner. "Don't think I'm going to be any good at it, but I'm not complaining. I'd like to be able to drive myself out once in a while."

"Are other kids going?" Ron asked. "'Cause I'd rather go there, if that's okay…"

"No, Ronald, you will go to Muggle school and you will like it. There are no exceptions. They're not going to a public driving school anyway, it's a private instructor that Dumbledore hired. We're bending the rules a bit here," Molly said as she took the frozen dinner out of the microwave.

"Of course… Can't Dumbledore find private instructors for us?" Ron argued.

"No. This will be a good thing. You'll make friends and play sports and live with Muggles. It's a learning experience," Molly said.

"How is _that _learning?" Ron quarreled. "And I'm guessing they don't have a Quidditch team, either." He was setting himself up for a big fight, Harry thought. He left the kitchen before he could hear Molly's response.

It wasn't long before Molly called all the kids into the kitchen. Harry sat down next to a tired-looking Hermione.

"Is everyone still watching that ridiculous show?" Harry asked. Hermione stifled a laugh and nodded.

"They're addicted!"

Harry laughed.

Molly cleared her throat and everyone quieted down. "Today we're going to be going shopping for your school things. School starts next week, as you all should know. This will not be like Diagon Alley, so we must all stick together."

Gasps and whispers went around the room. Harry was dreading it.

"Get your things and we'll be off. Kingsley will accompany us," Molly said as she sent them off.

While taking the bus to the closest Wal-Mart, was an adventure within itself, school shopping was another. Molly had the supply lists in her hand, and Hermione was instructing her on what was what and where to find it. Luckily there was an entire section dedicated to school things, otherwise Harry knew that at least half of their group would get lost somewhere.

Hermione was generally the one that picked out the school supplies. She lifted notebooks, packs of pencils, and binders by the armful into their cart. The twins roamed around the school section, cracking jokes about things they didn't recognize and doing stupid things. Harry and Ron simply stood back and watched while Molly and Ginny read the list out to Hermione.

"Ron, go get your brothers to look for backpacks," Molly said after Hermione had explained to her what a backpack was and directed to where they were. Harry and Ron pulled the twins over to the backpack section.

"Mum told us all to pick one out," Ron said.

"I think this one's your style," Fred said, holding up a pink and fluffy backpack with a rather demented and fat cat wearing clothes plastered across the front. It read "Hello Kitty" in large purple letters.

"What the hell is 'Hello Kitty'?" Ron asked, rather disgusted. "You're a git," he muttered to Fred and shoved him off.

"Fancy this one, don't you?" George teased, holding up a bright purple shoulder bag with a girl in a blonde wig, supposedly "Hannah Montana" as the bag proclaimed in big pink letters.

Harry laughed. He picked out his backpack, simple and black, and watched Fred and George mercilessly tease Ron. Harry held the bags they'd all picked out for themselves.

Molly, Hermione, and Ginny came around the corner with the almost-full shopping cart. Harry suspected that they wouldn't really need half of what Hermione had picked up, but of course she thought all of it was necessary. That, and the fact that the bill was on the WPP.

"We've already picked out your backpacks," George said, holding up the "Hello Kitty" and "Hannah Montana" bags. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Sure you didn't pick those out for yourselves?" Ginny retorted. The twins defensively threw back the backpacks. Hermione and Ginny picked out simple pink backpacks and threw them in the cart.

"Hold on, I forgot something," Hermione said. She turned on her heel and walked back around the corner.

"What could she possibly have forgotten?" Ron muttered to Harry. He shrugged.

They heard something fall from one aisle over. Molly shrugged it off, assuming something just fell over, but Ron and Harry went to investigate. Anything to get away from the rest of them.

They peered around the corner. Hermione had fallen on the floor, an array of calculators strewn around her. She was laughing as a boy around their age helped her up. They picked up the calculators. Harry and Ron retreated to the other side of the aisle to hear their conversation without being seen.

"No, no, it's my fault," the boy said. They could hear the clicking of calculators being put back on the rack.

"Sorry, I'm so clumsy," Hermione giggled. They were silent for a moment.

"It's okay," said the boy. "Are you British? You don't hear many British accents here in Chicago," he chuckled.

"Er, yes. My… my family just moved here. Well, just me and mostly extended family. My parents decided I should continue my studies and attend college in the states, and since I had family moving here already, they sent me with them."

Harry and Ron looked at each other. Could they possibly pass as cousins?

"What school are you going to?"

"I… I think it's called Lakeville High School," she stuttered. Where she had gotten that information, Harry didn't know.

"That's where I go, too!" the boy exclaimed. "What's your name?"

"Hermione. Granger. Hermione Granger," she said nervously. Harry rolled his eyes; he could tell by Hermione's tone that she was blushing.

"Cool name. I'm Tom Phelps."

"Nice to meet you," Hermione said.

"You too. I'll see you next week, maybe I can give you a tour of the school?" he said with a playful undertone, which Harry and Ron knew didn't truthfully mean "tour the school."

"Oh- of course," Hermione said, surprised. "See you around, Tom."

"Later," he said. Harry and Ron watched him leave, pretending to be occupied by something else. He was tall and muscular with suntanned skin and dark blonde hair that fell into his eyes. Harry knew Hermione was already absolutely head-over-heels.

"Looks like a git," Ron muttered. Harry agreed.

**Review! **


	8. Toyota'd

8. TOYOTA'D

Sirius cursed as he burnt himself on his frozen dinner straight out of the microwave. Harry sat at the table eating his own breakfast. Sirius was in a funk, and he had a good reason.

"Be ready to leave in thirty minutes," Moody called into the kitchen. Sirius brought his frozen dinner to the table.

"I'm _appalled _that the WPP is trusting _you_ of all people with a car," Snape sneered. Harry didn't have the faintest idea why he was sitting at the table with them, but he clearly enjoyed Sirius's misery.

"As am I," Sirius muttered. Of course he didn't want to admit anything in front of Snape, but he was trying for once in his life to be civil, especially since they had to live in the same house for God-knows how long. But Harry could see in his eyes how badly he just wanted to throw a good Muggle punch.

"An escaped prisoner learning to drive a car…" Snape drawled.

"_Very_ dangerous, isn't it? I might just lock you in the trunk and drive off a-"

Harry elbowed Sirius, hard. Sirius cleared his throat and took a bite of his frozen dinner. "Git," he muttered under his breath.

Snape was smirking, but Harry was only counting down the seconds until Sirius would lose it.

"Well, well, well… If you did that then I'd say they would lock you up in Azkaban for another-"

Snape was cut short by Sirius's punch in the face.

"Sirius!" Harry exclaimed. "No, no, Professor, you mustn't-" Harry couldn't finish his sentence before Snape punched Sirius square in the nose. Both pairs of eyes glittered dangerously as their disagreement turned into a full-blown fistfight.

"Stop, stop!" Harry shouted. But it did no good. Harry could see that both men had been waiting forever to do what they were doing and weren't going to stop until one of them was unconscious, or worse. Although Harry was quite impressed that Snape could fight like a Muggle. Sirius had the upper hand, of course, but-

"ENOUGH!" roared Mad-Eye Moody from the kitchen doorway. Both Sirius and Snape looked up from their position on the ground, got up, and dusted off their clothes as if it had not happened. Harry left the kitchen as soon as he could, but he could still hear Moody shouting from his bedroom upstairs.

"Bloody hell, mate, what was that about?" Ron gasped. He hadn't seen the fight but he also heard Moody shouting from downstairs.

"Sirius and Snape were fist fighting," Harry said. Ron's expression turned from scared to incredulous.

"Sirius and… Snape?" Ron stifled a laugh.

Harry nodded. "You could see it coming, they've never gotten along," he said. "It was quite impressive, though."

"Snape can fight?" Ron asked, wide-eyed.

"Yeah, pretty well, too," Harry said. Ron's eyes widened even more.

The shouting had stopped from downstairs, and Harry heard Snape slam the door of his bedroom next to theirs. Ron and Harry looked at each other and burst out laughing loudly, barely paying attention as Snape banged against the wall to get them to shut up.

"Let's go," Moody said to Sirius, dragging him by his coat sleeve. Arthur tried to come across as angry, but he was actually quite impressed that Sirius had tried to put Snape back in his place.

The private instructor's car was stopped outside the house. The instructor stood outside the car.

"Arthur Weasley and… Sirius Black?" the instructor asked with a jolt. He was obviously a wizard who had heard of Sirius Black as the murderer that had escaped from Azkaban.

"Don't worry, he's an innocent man," Arthur said. Sirius felt quite distinguished as he shook the instructor's hand. Moody was giving the instructor a glare; a glare that only he could administer correctly as to make the person feel like they were shrinking, usually if they had done something wrong. The things Moody's magical eye could prompt…

"Well, first we'll learn the controls of the car, then get out on the road," the instructor said. Arthur and Sirius got in the car and the instructor drove to an empty lot. The instructor explained what each and every button, lever, and control did. Sirius could tell Arthur was amazed, but he, on the other hand, could barely pay attention. How could they entrust him with a car?

"Pay attention," Moody hissed to Sirius with a near-slap upside the head.

The instructor parked the car and let Arthur take his place behind the wheel. His eyes widened. Already? He looked at Moody, grateful he had a wand.

Sirius' insides churned as Arthur put the belt across his body and got ready to push the so-called "gas pedal."

"Now, now, take it slowly," the instructor said.

Arthur, of course, did _not_ take it slowly, for he floored the gas pedal and sent the car zooming towards a brick building. The instructor smashed his foot to his brake pedal and the car skidded to a stop. Moody's wand was drawn.

"Arthur!" Sirius yelled.

"Sorry, sorry," Arthur defended himself.

"Take it slowly. Please don't floor it this time," the instructor said.

"Can I have my motorcycle back now?" Sirius moaned. Hagrid was in possession of his old flying motorcycle. It could drive on the streets like a Muggle motorcycle, of course, which was how he intended to use it in the first place. But then he had made the mistake of bringing it over to the Weasley's house, where Arthur had enchanted it to fly like his car.

Arthur put his foot to the gas pedal again, this time taking it a great deal slower. By two o'clock, he was making adequate turns and taking it at a reasonable speed.

"I believe it's Sirius' turn now, right?" Arthur said to the instructor, who had told him to "put it in park."

The instructor looked uncomfortable. "Well, I was going to take you all back to the house, really, but…" He was searching for words.

"I'm supposed to learn to drive, too, you know?" Sirius said defensively.

Moody had that look on his face again.

"Yes, yes, I know, but-"

"You think he's a criminal, do you? That he'll crash this car with everyone in it for his own amusement? Sirius Black is an innocent man, so you let him get behind the wheel of this car right now, or I will have to hex you. Do you understand?" Moody roared.

"Yes, sorry, sorry. Go ahead, Mr. Black," the instructor trembled. Sirius grumbled as he traded places with Arthur.

How grateful he would be when this was over with.

**Sorry, I know it's been a long time since I've written, but I'll try to update more often; I just didn't have the "feel" for writing. Stay tuned in for the next chapter, when they go to school for the first time, and soon Hermione will bring her Muggle boyfriend home! REVIEW! Let's get this story out there!**


	9. Unknown Territory

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything except this awesome plotline. **

**Author's Note: Ok, so I'm really, really, really, really, REALLY sorry for the wait in between chapters. I had some writer's block. This is only a revision of the last chapter I uploaded, but I'll be putting another chapter up, too. Oh, and just so you guys know, I KNOW that the books are supposed to take place in the 90's, but I thought it would be much funnier if I adapted it to present time. There's just so much to make fun of, and I was really little in the 90's, so I don't really remember the 90's pop culture.**

9. UNKNOWN TERRITORY

Molly Weasley's bullhorn-like voice shouted at Harry's door, pounding her fist, to get the boys to wake up for school. Harry rolled over and groaned, looking at Ron. Ron was still completely zonked out. Fred and George were stirring in their beds as Mrs. Weasley shouted at the door. The boys groaned and trudged out of bed with the exception of Ron, whom Harry had to roll off the bed to get him to wake up, like he did everyday at Hogwarts.

They nearly tumbled down the stairs to eat breakfast, pancakes from a box mix, which Hermione had instructed her how to make. Finally it was something other than frozen dinners.

"Good morning!" Hermione said cheerfully as she walked into the kitchen. The boys gazed at her with tired eyes, wondering how a normal person could possibly be so happy on a school morning.

"Don't be so excited for school," she smirked, taking plates of pancakes from Mrs. Weasley and setting them on the table.

"Mum, what is this?" Fred muttered almost unintelligibly.

"Pancakes. Eat it. You're going to all be late if you don't get a move on," she said.

They ate in awkward silence.

"Where is everyone?" Harry asked.

"Asleep," said Mrs. Weasley as she left the kitchen.

The boys all looked at each other and grudgingly ate their pancakes.

While getting ready for school was simple, _getting _to school was terribly complicated.

"Kingsley, are you sure this is it?" Ron asked doubtfully as a small school came into view when they turned the corner.

"Absolutely," Kingsley boomed, but Harry could sense uncertainty in his voice.

"Why is there a playground?" George asked.

"Kingsley," Hermione reproached, "This is a _primary_ school."

"And?" Kingsley asked.

"This school is for little kids! This is the type of school I went to _before_ Hogwarts! I'm hailing a cab," Hermione said.

The group of unfortunate wizards stood at the curb, waiting for a cab large enough to fit eight people. Finally a cab came. Hermione took the place of leader, instructing the driver to take them to Lakeville High School.

Lakeville High School was a big, sprawling brick building, nothing like Hogwarts at all. There were no turrets or green pastures, no forests or lakes to get lost in and turn up dead days later. There were no trees grown specifically for killing and maiming along the landscaping, and as a matter of fact, there seemed to be no trees whatsoever.

Hermione paid the driver and shooed everyone out of the cab, instructing the driver to take Kingsley back to the house. The gaggle of out-of-place wizards stood staring on the sidewalk, chins seeming to drag on the ground.

"Well, come on!" Hermione said, ushering them all through the front doors. The main entrance, a big foyer leading off to both the main gym and auditorium, was filled with small random groups of people. The wizards looked around in wonder, although both Harry and Hermione had been inside of Muggle schools before. It was a new place with new people.

"Hermione!" called a voice from one of the crowds. It was Tom Phelps, the boy Hermione had met while shopping the other day, waving from the group of people he was talking to.

"Tom! Hi!" Hermione almost squeaked, hurrying off to talk to Tom.

"Hey-"

"Hermione!"

"What about us!" Harry, Ron, and Ginny seemed to shout all at once. Hermione turned back around and held up one finger, signaling she would be back in a minute.

"Minute, my arse," muttered Ron. Harry left Ron, Ginny and the twins by the doors so he could go reel in Hermione. He only thought twice about leaving the Weasleys alone in a Muggle school after he'd gone, but they were really only across the room.

"Hermione, come on," Harry said, trying to grab her by the arm.

"Hey, Harry, wait!" Hermione said, closing a tight grip on the hand grabbing her arm. "This is Tom Phelps. Tom, this is my_ cousin_ Harry," she introduced them, emphasizing the word "_cousin_" to Harry.

"Nice to meet you," Tom said, extending his hand.

"Pleasure," Harry said with a half-fake smile, shaking his hand. "Hermione, we've gotta go."

"Hold on, Harry, Tom was introducing me to his friends," Hermione said. Harry realized the four or five people standing around Tom.

"Oh, okay, well," Harry turned around. Hermione grabbed his arm.

"Don't be freaked out, they're only Mug- his friends. We're going to sit with them at lunch today," she said, catching herself before she could say "Muggle". Harry stopped and turned back around, giving a rather serious look to Hermione. He let himself be introduced to Tom's friends, who all seemed rather bland and boring.

"This is Shane, Arianna, Dillon, Alex, and Lena," Tom said, as each of his friends said hello. Tom, Shane, Dillon, and Alex all seemed to be wearing the same shirt, a jersey of some sort. Arianna, eyeing Harry, wore a pair of the shortest denim shorts Harry had ever seen, with a pink shirt that was just as promiscuous, showing off her cleavage. Her hair was bleach-blonde, looking to be a texture that Harry was quite disturbed by.

Harry looked at Lena, coming to the conclusion that Arianna was probably a huge whore. He would leave her for Ron.

Lena had long, dark brown hair and piercing blue eyes. She was tall and model-like, with gorgeous features to match. Harry was a bit mesmerized by her for a second, until he noticed he was staring.

"Nice to meet you all," he said hurriedly. "What's with the…" he gestured towards the jerseys.

"First football game tonight, baby!" Tom said, bumping chests with Shane.

Harry, not wanting to get involved in the football talk that ensued, told Tom they would see him at lunch and pulled Hermione away. He had never and would not ever like football due to a bad experience at one of Dudley's games when he was six years old. He preferred Quidditch, but he knew they wouldn't have that at Lakeville.

"I hope you know they were talking about American football," Hermione said in her know-it-all tone.

"American football?"

"You know, like rugby?" Hermione said. "You'd better pretend you know what they're talking about, because we're _all_ going to the game tonight," she said. And with that, she dragged Harry and the Weasley clan to the main office to take care of the "load of new-student bullshit", as Ron put it.

Harry looked at his schedule. Geometry, Biology, American History, Spanish, English… All rather boring and normal-sounding subjects, the kind that Harry had always heard Dudley talking about on summer holidays and before he had gone to Hogwarts.

"Bloody hell, what are these classes?" Ron said crudely as he looked as his schedule, dissatisfied. "What about Arithmancy, andHerbology, and-"

"This is a _Muggle_ school, Ron. They don't have those types of classes," Hermione said, leading the way to their first period Geometry. Ginny was with them at the sophomore level, even though she was technically supposed to be a freshman. Fred and George were seniors. None of the wizards knew what those words meant, except for Hermione. She had told them they were the equivalent levels of fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh years.

Both Harry and Ron just decided to follow Hermione around and do whatever she did. With it being the first day of the new school year, it was quite easy to blend in with the rest of the kids. There were a fair amount of new students, including freshmen.

Harry was incredibly happy that the WPP had organized everything for them, so their new life in Chicago would be as fuss-free as possible.

The first two periods, Geometry and Biology, went by without a hitch. Of course since it was the first day of school, the wizards didn't have to worry about learning anything real just yet.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny walked into American History and took four seats around the edge of the classroom. After going through the usual useless blabbering about the summer holidays, she flipped on a slideshow.

"Bloody hell," whispered Ron, fascinated by the Muggle technology.

"Pardon?" asked their teacher, a short woman with eyes set very close together, making her look a bit fishlike. She looked at Ron, eyebrows raised.

"Nothing," said Ron quickly. "Fishface…" he muttered, only audible to himself, Harry, and Hermione.

"Ron!" whispered Hermione in a scolding tone. Their teacher had started the slideshow, preoccupied with talking about coursework and such. Harry and Ron stifled laughter.

"We'll be starting chapter four in November, on the American Revolution. We will have in-depth reports due about whichever Revolutionary you choose," she said, flipping to the next slide.

A large picture of a dollar bill popped up on the screen, accompanied by a hundred.

Harry and Ron looked at each other wide-eyed before bursting into fits of laughter, and before they knew it, they sat outside the dean's office.

Harry was ready to go back to Hogwarts.

**Review! **


	10. TGIF

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything here except the plot.**

**Author's Note: I am really, really, really, really, REALLY sorry for the super long wait. I hate writer's block. Ok, and just so you guys know, I know that Harry Potter is supposed to take place in the 90's, but I thought this would be much funnier if I adapted it to present time, so just go with it. Also I changed this to T because of some of the profanity and such in this chapter. Also, some drug usage on account of them being experimental high school kids, so… Don't worry, not all chapters are going to be like this. This is probably one of the only ones.**

10. T.G.I.F.

Harry and Ron did everything in their power to make sure that Mrs. Weasley didn't find out about their little excursion to the dean's office. It was about the equivalent of being sent to Dumbledore's office, something Ron could usually expect a Howler for. For the first time, Harry and Ron were grateful to have had all magic banned from the house, because they knew that if Mrs. Weasley somehow found out, a Howler would be immediately sent to school _by owl_.

Because that wouldn't reveal their secret at all.

They decided to disconnect the phone by unplugging it from the outlet. Harry knew that if they hadn't already, the school could easily make a phone call. But none of them knew how to work a telephone, anyways.

Ron and Harry decided they had bigger things to worry about. Like the "football" game that Hermione was going to drag them along to that Friday night and the party immediately after. Ron had never heard of football, but Harry knew that American football was not the same thing as European football. And not one of them knew what a high school party would entail.

"It'll be a _great_ way to integrate us in with the rest of the school," Hermione said as she drew a line on each cheek with a fat black marker. She was wearing Tom's jersey with the number 61 emblazoned across the front.

Harry was surprised to see Hermione fit in so well and assimilate herself in with Muggle high school ways. She had already made a spot for herself in Tom's group of friends, with Harry and Ron as the seventh and eighth wheels.

"Come on, let me-!" Hermione was wrestling with Ron to put marker on his face. He resisted, and after some time she gave up. Harry reluctantly let her draw on his face, still feeling unsure about the entire football game idea.

Hermione was incessantly talking as the three of them waited for Shane and Arianna to pick them up for the game. Ginny had gotten out of it, claiming that she was going to the football game with new friends of her own.

"-And Tom was talking about Homecoming the other day; he said that there's another football game and a big dance, I'd imagine it's quite similar to the Yule Ball of last year-"

"Someone get her to _shut up!"_ Sirius's voice exclaimed from the floor above. Hermione hadn't heard, and continued talking.

"Believe me, we're trying!" Harry shouted back, walking out of the kitchen and towards the staircase.

Sirius appeared at the top of the stairs with a kind of smile on his face. "Sounds infatuated; I've heard too much about this Tom."

Harry smiled. "Yeah, I think so."

"So, where are you all going that's so important?" Sirius asked.

"Football game. Not the English kind, the American kind," Harry explained. Sirius had a disgusted look on his face. "What…?" Harry asked.

"Wait- you came here… With my dad?" Harry asked curiously.

"Yeah. To see the 'cheerleaders'," Sirius said with a grimace. "Nothing special… Just like the Veela, except ugly."

Harry chuckled. He remembered the Veela from the Quidditch World Cup. How he missed Quidditch…

"Please stop that incessant chatter," Snape's voice rang through the hallway.

As if on cue, a car horn beeped outside.

"Oh, they're here! Let's go!" Hermione grabbed both Harry and Ron by the arms and flung them out the door.

"See everyone later!" she shouted. She got no reply.

Hermione rushed down the steps to Shane's car. She, Ron, and Harry piled in the backseat.

"Good evening!" Hermione said animatedly.

"Let's go!" Shane shouted, rolling down his window and turning on the radio. The music was loud, almost too loud. Harry could feel the bass line thumping through his chest. Then the singer started to sing- no- talk, really, very fast and very accented.

"Bloody Hell; what is this?" Ron whispered to Harry with a disgusted look on his face. Harry shrugged it off.

"Come on, guys! It's rap music! I love it!" Hermione said. "Tom played it for me today at lunch, and…"

They completely tuned her out.

The football game was terribly boring. No matter how many times Shane, Arianna, Dillon, Alex, or Lena explained football to Harry and Ron, they just didn't get it.

Once they broke free from the iron grip of Hermione, they met up with Fred and George. They were surprised Fred and George had actually come to the game.

"Yeah, well, we had nothing else to do except get yelled at by Mum and Snape," Fred explained.

"And that's not much fun, is it?" added George.

Both Harry and Ron agreed that it wouldn't be, and dragged the twins back to their seat in the bleachers.

"When did you two get here?" Hermione asked. Introductions went around.

"You coming to the party after at The Tunnel?" Shane asked Fred and George. Fred and George looked at each other and agreed in unison.

"Where's The Tunnel?" asked Hermione.

"Ooh, it's this abandoned subway tunnel that the trains don't go through anymore; they boarded over the tracks and everything. Great place for a party. We _never_ get caught there," Arianna said, directing her eyes at Harry. Harry shifted uncomfortably. He didn't have a good feeling about this "party".

Once the game was over, they found Tom and piled into cars and headed over to The Tunnel. It was already half full when they arrived, complete with a keg, flashing lights, and an informal DJ.

"This is amazing!" Hermione exclaimed; her arm wrapped around Tom's. It was obvious that they were basically together, Harry noticed.

"Oy, you think I can get a firewhiskey here?" Ron inquired, looking over at the table with endless liquor bottles, six-packs of beer, and two huge kegs.

"Er- no, I don't think Muggles drink firewhiskey," Harry nearly shouted over the blasting music.

"Firewhiskey?" a passerby noted as they squeezed through the crowd. "I want some!"

Harry rolled his eyes. He and Ron made their way to a near-empty stairwell, which was boarded up at the top. On the stairs sat the twins, looking obviously bored.

"Hey, mate," Ron said. The twins looked up.

"Looks like you're having an enjoyable time," George said.

Harry sarcastically nodded. He and Ron sat down on the steps next to the twins. They just sat there slumped in the stairwell, watching the party.

"Harry! Come dance!" The four of them looked up. It was Arianna, with Lena in tow. They both wore short, skimpy dresses, and Harry wondered when they had gotten the chance to change.

"Nah, maybe later," he called back. Although he really wanted to dance with Lena…

"Come on!" Arianna whined.

Harry looked at Ron and the twins. They nodded for him to go ahead. Harry got up and trudged to the dance floor and disappeared into the crowd with Arianna and Lena.

Ron, Fred, and George sat bored in the stairwell until a group of three or four drunk-looking guys came up to them.

"Hey, mind if we smoke a joint here?" one of them asked, holding up something large and foreign that none of them had ever seen. These guys were obviously drunk.

"Huh?" Ron asked.

"Smoke a joint. You know… You better not turn us in to the fucking cops," the second guy said. His speech was slurred.

"Er, uh, no, go ahead," Ron stuttered.

"Go ahead, my ass," another guy said. They sat in a slump in the corner of the stairwell. Ron, Fred, and George watched them take hits of some unknown substance. They proceeded to ramble on about a bunch of things no one cared to listen to.

"Hey, you!" one guy shouted at the three of them. "Come on, take a hit or I'll beat your ass!"

"Nah, Marty, we don't wanna share our weed with these powderpuffs," another guy said.

"What _is_ it?" George asked Fred and Ron. Both of them shrugged.

"They're acting kind of Imperioused," said Ron. These guys obviously had no clue what they were doing, and right now they were proceeding to take off their clothes.

"Lemme try," Fred said out of nowhere to the group in the corner.

"Fred, what the hell?" George said.

"Bloody…" Ron breathed.

"What'd you say, twit? You wanna _try?"_ asked Marty. Fred sat down on the dirty concrete floor and grabbed the bong.

"Merlin's pants," said George, rubbing his temple. "I knew he was insane, but…"

"We don't even know what it is!" Ron hissed.

Ron and George both watched Fred and the guys take hits from the bong and scream some loud, obscene things that no one would've ever imagined Fred to say.

"Why…"

George shrugged.

"You know, it's not so bad living like a Muggle without magic… Like… Like flying on a broom during a Quidditch game… Quidditch… Watch- watches out for Grindylows, Ronnie…"

"FRED!" Ron and George both shouted right as Harry walked back, sweating through his t-shirt.

"What the hell's going on?" Harry asked. Oh shit, he thought as he realized the bong. And what Fred had just said. Fred was obviously high.

Ron and George pulled Fred out of the circle.

"What're you- what are you trying to- no, no, not the puking pastilles; I don't want one of those," Fred said in a voice not unlike Luna Lovegood's.

"HERMIONE!" Harry called as he looked through the crowd of people. He could just barely make out Hermione's head next to Tom's in the middle. And was she- was she holding a cup of beer above her head? Dancing? Harry wedged his way to the middle.

"Hermione, we gotta go," he said.

"Who's- who's that?" Hermione said, ruffling his hair. She and Tom were out of it, as well, but they weren't high.

Harry had never in his life seen Hermione drunk or even tipsy from firewhiskey.

"Damn it, not you, too!" he exclaimed.

"Hey, Harry!" said Tom in a tipsy voice.

"I have to take Hermione home; we have to be back by midnight," he said, grabbing Hermione's arm and trying to lead her out of the throng of people.

"Hey- that's my girlfriend!" Tom shouted, trying to pull Hermione back. Her cup of beer splashed everywhere.

"Hey, hey, hey! I'm leaving… I'm going back to Hogwarts…" Hermione said in a musing voice.

"No, no you're not, Hermione, you're going home," Harry pulled her out of the crowd and away from Tom, who didn't seem to notice. Harry wouldn't tell her that he was busy grinding on another girl.

"Come on, we're ALL leaving," Harry said to Ron and George. "Get Fred."

Harry, Ron, and George led Hermione and Fred out of The Tunnel and onto the street of Chicago.

"Shit. Now how do we get back?" asked Harry as they stood looking out at the city streets.

"Take the train, dumbass. Haven't you ever been to Platform 9 ¾?" Fred said.

"Fred!"

"Harry… Harry, does Dumbledore know we're out this late? I… I hope not… I want to be Head Girl…" Hermione slurred, leaning onto Harry.

"He said it's okay, Hermione," Harry said. "Let's go this way."

The group of five wizards walked aimlessly around the streets for about an hour until Harry hailed a taxi, seeing as walking home was a lost cause.

All five of them piled into a taxi. The marijuana-and-alcohol scented ride was spent with Fred and Hermione arguing about the status of unicorns and their being mythical or fantastical creatures. Only Hermione could create a credible argument while drunk.

The five of them stumbled through the back door.

"INTRUDER!" They heard Mad-Eye Moody's voice shout through the house.

"Moody, Moody, no! It's just us!" Harry shouted back. Moody ran into the kitchen with his wand at the ready. Hermione shrieked.

"IT'S VOLDEMORT!" she shouted in her still-slurring voice. Then she dropped to the ground, muttering "Avada Kedavra… Avada Kedavra…"

It sounded as if a stampede of elephants was running down the stairs, and before they could say "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named", everyone in the house was standing in the kitchen in their nightclothes, absolutely fuming with anger.

Needless to say, they would not be going to any more parties. Not that they had really enjoyed it, anyway…

**A/N: Hope you guys liked this one, even though there was some drug type stuff, but it was fun to write and kind of funny, too. I have a bunch of ideas but will not update until you all review! **


	11. Homecoming

**Disclaimer: Not mine. None.**

**A/N: This is going to be a bit of a long chapter. Exciting, but long. All you Americans know that there's quite a bit that goes along with Homecoming… **

11. HOMECOMING

Everyone in the house seemed to almost shun the five of them after the "VOLDEMORT!" incident that night. Even Sirius decided to make their lives a living hell for the next few days.

At least they all knew that Hermione had been drunk. They didn't know, however, that it was illegal for under twenty-one in the States. Harry, Ron, and George would never let neither Hermione nor Fred go to another party.

It was now a month into the school year, and lots of talk about "Homecoming" was going around. None of them knew what it was; they supposed it was like a Yule Ball or something.

"It's kind of a football thing," Tom explained to Hermione one day as they walked along the hallway. "There's the game on Friday, and the dance on the Saturday right after."

"Sounds like fun… Like the party at The Tunnel?" Hermione mused. How awesome that party had been… Even though she didn't remember much of it.

"Ha, no. It's school-run. No beer," Tom said in a disappointed voice. "But the after-parties are the best…"

Hermione smiled slyly. She would've never thought that she would be a party animal. Neither did anyone else.

"We are NOT going to the after-party," Harry struck her down immediately that day as they all walked home from school. Ron and George agreed violently.

"Hermione, you want to be Head Girl, remember? You asked if Dumbledore _wouldn't mind_ when you were drunk that night," Ron recounted in a cynical voice.

"What Dumbledore doesn't know won't hurt him…"

"Dumbledore knows everything," George interjected. "Take it from us," he and Fred said simultaneously.

"Hm…" Hermione mused.

Homecoming was now two weeks away. Guys were asking girls all sorts of ways, and Hermione was now pressuring Harry and Ron to ask girls. Both of them violently disagreed. Hermione hoped _someone_ would ask her soon enough…

Hermione walked into school with Harry, Ron, Fred, George, and Ginny as usual. She intended to look for her calculator in her locker. She had needed it for her Geometry homework the night before but had misplaced it.

Tom immediately found Hermione at her locker.

"Good morning, Tom," Hermione said. She felt her face get hot. Thankfully Ron or Harry wasn't here to see; they wouldn't let her hear the end of it. It would be nothing compared to going to the Yule Ball with Krum last year. She really liked Tom… More than she had liked Krum.

"Hey," he said cheerily.

Hermione opened her locker and scanned it quickly. "I misplaced my calculator yesterday… If it's not in here, then I really don't know where it is…" she trailed off.

"Oh… Yeah," Tom said, his tone of voice changing. He swayed back and forth.

Hermione looked up to see Tom looking nervous. Or sick. Or both.

"Are you quite all right?" she asked.

"Yeah, fine," he sniffed.

Hermione went back to rifling through her locker. _Where_ was her calculator? She turned her locker upside down looking for it.

"Hermione," Tom said. She stood up.

"I- uh… You know about your calculator?" he said, growing red.

"Yes…?" Her eyebrows were raised.

"I… Um… I have it," he said quickly.

"Why do you have my calculator, Tom?" she asked, her brows furrowed.

"I- um- here," he gave it to her from behind his back. Hermione took it, confused. "Open it," Tom said. His face was Gryffindor red.

Hermione slowly took the lid off the calculator. A piece of paper fluttered to the ground and she picked it up.

_Hermione,_

_Since we met while running into each other and knocking over all the calculators, I thought this would be a significant way to do this, and I'm too nervous to say it out loud, but… Will you go to Homecoming with me?_

_ -Tom_

The look on Hermione's face softened and her face broke into a smile. "Yes, yes, yes!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around Tom. Tom's face grew even deeper red as the people around them started to cheer and smile as he hugged her back.

"YES!" he exclaimed. "Oh, and… Shane!" Shane hurried over, carrying a dozen red roses. Tom took them, gave him a bro-hug, and presented them to Hermione.

The smile on her face broadened even more, if possible, and she pulled Tom into another fierce bear hug that could rival Mrs. Weasley's. She told herself that this was one of the best days of her life…

No one could've even Avada-Kedavra'd the smile off her face that day, not even Voldemort. Nor could Snape, no matter how many times he told her to "Stop her incessant, know-it-all chatter" that night at dinner. She presumed he was just jealous.

Hermione had _forced_ Ron and Harry to ask girls to Homecoming, even if it were just Arianna and Lena. Harry immediately called dibs on Lena. In fact, he was even kind of excited…

Neither boy did it in a cute way like the girl expected, but they both said yes. Arianna didn't seem very enthused and didn't talk to Lena as much as usual the next few days, and Harry knew why. He stayed out of the drama, if there was even any real drama at all.

Then came the dress shopping… Hermione ran out of the house and flung herself into the backseat of Arianna's car. Arianna sped to the Macy's on Michigan Avenue, which was as crowded as Diagon Alley the week before the start of term.

"Any ideas on what you're going to wear?" Lena asked Hermione as they took one of the dozen escalators up to the Homecoming dress section.

"No idea… I've never been to a Homecoming before. I've been to the Yule Ball, but-" Hermione stopped herself.

"Yule Ball?" Arianna interjected.

"Oh, er…" Hermione thought a moment. "It's a Winter Dance. It's _really_ formal. See, we all went to boarding school, so… Everything was kind of… a big deal."

"Oh…" Lena and Arianna mused.

The three girls tried on dozens and dozens of dresses. Arianna was the tip-giver to Hermione, who _obviously_ didn't know what kind of dresses to look for. She tried on about a dozen long, formal dresses before Arianna finally picked them out for her.

_"No one_ wears long dresses to Homecoming," she said, rifling through a rack of black dresses. "You're a six, right?"

Hermione agreed. Arianna piled dress after dress into Hermione's arms in every color, style, and texture imaginable. Silk, sparkly, black, blue, green, pink… They were all _very_ short.

"Are we ready?" Arianna led them to the fitting rooms.

Hermione picked her dress halfway through the pile, and at that point she was dead tired of trying them on.

She, Lena, and Arianna stood in front of the fitting room mirror with their chosen dresses on. Lena had picked out a short and simple dress with a white sash tying in the back, and Arianna picked out the shortest, most form-fitting, and most sparkly dress of them all. It was covered in silver sequins with circular cutouts around the midriff. Hermione had actually cringed when she saw the dress, but played it off as a smile to Arianna. Hermione herself chose a dress the exact color of the light that _Lumos_ gave off, her favorite spell. It was a form-fitting dress that looked as if there was a long-sleeved shirt made of lace layered under. Lena and Arianna agreed that it was gorgeous on her, and Hermione was bubbling with excitement. She felt as if this was all a dream…

The days left before Homecoming passed by all too slowly, much to Hermione's disdain. Ron complained whenever the subject was brought up on account of how badly he didn't want to go, and Harry played along. He was secretly excited about going with Lena, even if they were just going as friends. He pushed away the dirty things that filled his mind. Fred and George had no problem getting dates, they got girls to say yes as simply as before the Yule Ball. The girls were, in fact, twins themselves. Sarah and Marie or something…

Finally Friday arrived. Mrs. Weasley had banned Hermione from drinking coffee on account of how much she was talking and how badly she was shaking. Harry and Ron got the urge to laugh every time she opened her mouth, because usually it was something about Homecoming.

The week leading up to Homecoming had been filled with all sorts of strange dress-up days. Mismatch Day, Crazy Hair Day, School Spirit Day… Not that Harry and Ron had participated. Neither did Fred and George. Hermione, however, had dressed up with Tom for every single day, plus she had dragged them all to the Homecoming game. Of course, it was kind of mandatory to go to the game.

The game was the most crowded one all year; it seemed like everyone in the city was there. Lakeville won, of course, with Tom scoring the winning touchdown.

Harry, Ron, and George gingerly gave in to the afterparty at The Tunnel. However, once they got there, all previous events were forgotten and the five wizards partied their cares away. _Everyone_ let loose. Hits were taken, cups of beer were downed, and the dance floor was full of drunken wizards.

They partied so hard, they almost forgot what had happened the next morning. They were all hung-over, telling Mrs. Weasley that they had all gotten food poisoning from the restaurant they had been to that night, but should be better by the time the dance came around.

"They were _obviously _up to no good last night," said Snape to Mrs. Weasley right before Harry walked into the kitchen. He hid behind the doorway to hear the conversation.

"Oh, Severus, they're just kids. I'm sure they were all perfect angels last night," said Mrs. Weasley.

"Molly, I'm not saying I don't trust them, but what if they _were_ up to no good last night? They obviously look like it," said Kinglsey.

"Miss Granger has thrown up twice in the upstairs bathroom," said Snape.

"It's the food, dear. I know it is. Perhaps you could give them a stomach settling draught, Severus? Have you brought any?" asked Mrs. Weasley. Snape muttered that he had not.

Since no one _ever _dared to argue with Mrs. Weasley, Harry assumed they had won.

"I'll be keeping a closer eye on them," Kingsley said.

Harry ran upstairs to tell everyone what he had just heard. "So don't act like you're hung-over."

Arianna honked outside the window. Hermione grabbed her bag of things to get ready for the dance and ran into the car, leaving Harry, Ron, Fred, and George to get ready themselves. All they really had to do was put on a suit. The suits were already rented and in their possession, and God forbid something went wrong, they were going back to their house for pictures anyways. They had all agreed it had the prettiest scenery.

Hermione, Arianna, and Lena got ready in Lena's large bathroom. Three hair curlers were going at once and various makeup articles were scattered all over the countertop. Discarded clothes and shoes covered the floor.

Arianna painstakingly curled Hermione's hair until it was perfect, something she could've done by magic in seconds. She pinned it back into a delicate, curly updo, letting pieces fall and frame her face, similar to how she had done it for the Yule Ball. Lena did her makeup, Lena being a fantastic makeup artist herself. Hermione almost didn't recognize herself when she looked in the mirror. She looked perfect. She couldn't wait to see Tom…

Arianna and Lena did their own hair in more painstakingly perfect curls. Lena, still in charge of makeup, did their faces beautifully in a flash. Dresses were put on and pictures were snapped.

Hermione studied herself in Lena's floor length mirror. Her five-inch black pumps, borrowed from Arianna, contrasted with her lace-topped, _Lumos_-colored dress. Her elegant hair and makeup made her absolutely glow, as if she'd even performed a _Lumos_ charm on herself. She felt like a Muggle movie star. Her stomach churned with excitement as the three of them got in the car with Lena's parents, who were coming to take pictures. Arianna's parents met them there.

Introductions went smoothly. Arthur and Molly Weasley introduced themselves. And Sirius, who had gotten a haircut, introduced himself as Hermione's father. Once they got through introductions with the Weasleys at the house, they learned that Tom had picked up Harry and Ron and would be coming soon. Fred and George were off with their own small group of people.

Hermione took Mrs. Weasley into the house while Mr. Weasley and Sirius chatted with the parents who were arriving.

"You look _magical,_ Hermione! Absolutely stunning, dear," Mrs. Weasley cooed. "That dress is the exact same shade as-"

"That's exactly why I picked it out," Hermione smiled.

"Well, I'm glad to see that you didn't pick out anything like… that other girl… Arietta?"

"Arianna… I know, me too," Hermione said. She pulled something out of her bag. It was a disposable camera.

"What is that, dear?" Mrs. Weasley asked.

"It's a camera. The pictures don't move, but… You'll need to take pictures. All you do is look through this little hole," Hermione showed her the hole, "And press this button to take the picture."

Mrs. Weasley agreed and took a practice picture, then went back outside. Hermione stayed in the kitchen, cherishing her last moment of solace for the night. Moody, Kingsley, and Snape interrupted her peace by coming into the kitchen for a cup of tea. They each eyed her strangely in her Homecoming attire.

Suddenly Mrs. Weasley burst into the kitchen. "Hermione! Oh- there you are," she exclaimed. "The boys are here, and it's incredible! They've got this long car, and- well, you'll just have to come outside and see it yourself!" She was breathless with excitement.

The three at the table looked stunned.

"Oh, and Severus, you'll have to come outside. I've already noted you as Harry's father to the families here," Mrs. Weasley said in her anti-argue voice. The look of death overcame Snape's formerly blank expression.

"That brat…" he muttered as he followed Hermione and Mrs. Weasley outside, without his Batman cape, thank God.

Hermione blushed scarlet and nearly screamed as soon as she saw Tom and the… limo. She ran down the steps into Tom's arms.

"Tom!" she shrieked. Mrs. Weasley snapped a perfect picture of the couple in each other's arms.

"Wow, you- you look… amazing," Tom breathed, taking in Hermione as they let go of the embrace. "Here, I have a corsage for you…" he said, his hands shaking as he presented Hermione with a bracelet of flowers. Mrs. Weasley snapped another picture. Hermione took in Tom's appearance, noting he had obviously taken his time getting ready for this event. He looked… really hot.

"All right, let's all get together now, in a straight line," Mrs. Weasley ordered. Hermione let out a sigh of relief as she saw Harry and Ron looking presentable in their suits. And somewhat gentlemanly…

The group lined up in disarray; Hermione with Tom, Harry with Lena, Ron with Arianna, and Shane, Alex, and Dillon with their dates. Each set of parents was there, all socializing happily and snapping pictures.

"Smile!" roared Mrs. Weasley a total of ten times. The group cooperated for pictures, then piled into the limo.

"This is amazing!" Hermione said breathlessly to Tom as he helped her into the limo. They sat next to each other, hand in hand.

_"Tonight _will be amazing."

**A/N: Yeah, I know this chapter is really long, and this isn't even the end of Homecoming. The actual dance is going to be next chapter, which should be up soon. Hopefully no one found this one too long or boring, but hey, I'm having fun writing it. Isn't this a little bit more entertaining than if it were set in the actual 90's? Keep those reviews coming!**


	12. Sexy And I Know It

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

**Author's Note: Part II of Homecoming. No, it's not the end of the story. So I got a pleasant little review blatantly telling me that this story is about "Hermione and her Muggle" and is sorted under the wrong person. If you've read the whole story, it's obviously not all about Hermione. My summary clearly says "About mishaps and daily lives. Will probably come down to Harry and Voldemort." Sorted under Harry is a generalization. I can't sort this story under every character, and Harry is the mainstream character. If anyone can tell, I've been trying to use 3rd Person as J.K. Rowling does to give insight into _mostly_ Harry's mind. Anyways, each character will get their own bits and pieces where they have the spotlight, and Homecoming is focused a lot on Hermione because she's really enjoying high school. So please, read the whole story and watch what you say. I don't appreciate people blatantly telling me things _they_ think I did wrong.**

12. SEXY AND I KNOW IT

Harry and Ron sat next to each other in the limo.

"Do I… hold her hand or something?" Ron whispered. Harry snorted. _Ron,_ holding hands with _Arianna?_

"Don't think so, mate," Harry muttered. He and Ron sat next to each other sandwiched in between their dates, Lena and Arianna, respectively. Harry felt nervous; a little carsick, almost. He didn't know what he was supposed to do at Homecoming.

Finally the limo arrived at the school. Harry's insides churned. Ron didn't look too good.

"You'll both be fine," Hermione said with a pat on the back as they stood on the sidewalk, somehow knowing they were nervous. Well, Ron _was_ green.

"Don't throw up, mate…" Harry whispered.

Ron shook his head.

Harry and Lena stood behind Tom and Hermione in line, with Ron and Arianna behind them. Finally they gave their tickets and entered the dance.

"How could the school gym turn into-" Ron started.

But then he actually walked in the gym. It was breathtaking for all of them, kind of like how the Great Hall had turned into a dance floor for the Yule Ball.

It was dark, with flashing strobe lights and colored lights, and the DJ was blasting the music, bass turned up high. On account of the "Under the Sea" theme, the lights were all blue, and every decoration in the gym had some kind of sea creature or scene on it.

"I bet Dumbledore could really make this _under the sea,"_ said Ron. "This is lame."

"That's what you think," replied Harry. Harry knew he was just nervous, although he had to agree.

"This is amazing!" exclaimed Hermione, throwing her arms around Tom.

"So… What do we do now?" Harry asked nervously. Did he _have _to dance?

"Dance, of course!" Lena said, dragging him to the crowd of people that practically covered the entire gym. Harry smiled at Lena, then looked back and caught eyes with Ron.

"Oh, I- I don't dance!" Harry exclaimed.

Lena stopped and swayed from side to side with the music. "Oh, come on, I know you do," she smiled.

"No, I- I really don't-"

"Then how did you dance at the 'Yule Ball' that you all spoke so highly of?" she asked with a playful glint in her eye.

"I, er, we danced- we all danced the Waltz," Harry said.

"I can Waltz," Lena said, putting her arms in the correct position. She put one arm on Harry's shoulder and left one arm free, waiting for him to take her hand.

So Harry put one arm around her waist and took her hand with the other.

And they waltzed to the booming bass.

Meanwhile, Arianna had dragged Ron into the middle of the dance crowd, right up by the DJ. Tom and Hermione followed close behind.

"So, Mr. Britain, you know how to dance?" Arianna had to shout over the music.

"Er, no, not really," Ron said as he turned red.

"We'll teach you, right, Tom?" Arianna said. Tom agreed with a holler. She and Tom both dragged Harry and Hermione into the crowds of people, all very close together, swaying from side to side. They made their way in and started to follow the motion.

"This," Arianna shouted in Ron's ear, "is called _grinding."_

Ron did not like the sound of "grinding."

While Ron was being taught the skillful art of grinding, Fred and George had taken their dates into the cafeteria, where couples sat at tables and a small acoustic band was set up, playing soft music perfect for slow dancing.

The rest of the night was an absolute blur, yet the only part each wizard remembered was a kiss.

**A/N: Felt like that chapter needed to go by quick. Sorry if you guys were looking forward to more. And I'm really sorry for the long wait; homework has been double this semester. I'll really try to get the next chapter up** **soon**.

**Review! And if you're new to the story, read the rest! **


	13. Portraits of Merpeople

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

**A/N: So… I'm horribly, terribly sorry for the wait for this chapter. Most of you have probably forgotten about this story completely and lost hope. I just haven't had the time or ideas to sit down and write a bunch, and I've had this chapter in the works on my computer for awhile. It was enjoyable to write, so I hope you enjoy reading it as well!**

13. PORTRAITS OF MERPEOPLE

Homecoming was… unexplainable. It was confusing and wonderful and all those things that they just couldn't explain. They all left the afterparty at The Tunnel tastefully, neither drunk nor high, with their dates.

Tom had kissed Hermione, Harry had kissed Lena, and Arianna had attacked Ron before he could object. The twins had their fair share as well, possibly more…

As the days went on, Harry and Ron had finally started to find their way around and had made acquaintances of Tom's friends. Neither was happy, but this would do for living in a Muggle world.

They walked down the main stairs to the art room, in a secluded wing of the school on the bottom floor.

"I'm worse at this than I am at Potions," Ron muttered. "Bloody Hell… Art class. Why art class?"

Both boys were in a funk after Moody had accidentally set off the house security alarm (which no one knew about or what it was) at three in the morning. No amount of caffeine could cure their sleepiness.

And Ron did really suck at drawing. All art in general, actually. They walked into the art room, which smelled of pencil shavings and turpentine. Harry breathed it in; he wasn't sure if he liked the smell or not. Ron had been tempted to perform a Bubble Charm, but seeing as he had no wand…

"Good morning; please get out your self portraits from the top drawer labeled 'Period 3' and begin your work," said the art teacher, Mrs. Goodall, an ancient lady with hair whiter than Lucius Malfoy's.

It was long and crazy, not unlike Professor Trelawney. In fact, she reminded Harry of Professor Trelawney quite a bit, especially in the way she talked.

"That's how all these artsy types are… Little bit like that Loony Lovegood girl…" Ron muttered as they sat down to begin their work.

Harry wouldn't be surprised if Mrs. Goodall came around to predict their futures within their artwork or something… He was quite glad to be out of Divination.

"I hate this," Ron muttered, throwing down his pencil. "I. Suck."

Harry chuckled silently. His portrait looked not unlike the merpeople down at the bottom of the Black Lake he had run into during the Triwizard Tournament last year.

"Oy, you think it's funny, do you?" Ron frowned. "Yours isn't so great either. Bet if you drew Lena she'd be insulted."

Harry snorted and looked down at his own portrait, thinking that Ron should eat his words. Harry knew his wasn't very good, either, but it didn't look like anything Hagrid had ever taught them about in Care of Magical Creatures. He missed Hagrid…

"Ronald, do you need some help?" Mrs. Goodall asked as she walked near their table. "Your shading is leaning a little towards the outlining side."

"Yeah, no, I'm good," Ron said. Harry knew he was fuming inside.

"Nice work, Harry. Keep up the good work, you two. You're really capturing a likeness," Mrs. Goodall said as she walked away.

Harry instantly burst into loud, uncontrollable laughter. Ron made a face.

"I really look like this?" he exclaimed. He held the portrait up to his face and turned to Harry. "I really look like _this? _I'm hideous!" Ron was growing hysterical with disgust and Harry was growing hysterical with laughter.

The people at the tables near them were quietly laughing, even though they were not meant to hear this conversation; but Ron was talking pretty loudly.

"Ron… Ron!" Harry hissed. Ron stopped and gave him a look. "Shut up."

They took their projects home two days later. Ron had received a C, and Harry had received a B.

"Look at Ronnie's little arts and crafts project," Fred cooed as soon as they walked through the back door. Mrs. Weasley was in the kitchen as usual. Kingsley, Snape, and Moody sat at the kitchen table with cups of tea, quietly discussing something that sounded important.

Harry thought he heard a sharp Jersey accent coming from the T.V. in the living room. "Bloody Hell, not again…" he said under his breath.

"Look at Ron's beautiful picture!" George exclaimed, tearing the rolled-up picture out of Ron's hands.

"No, stop; give it, you git!" Ron exclaimed, trying to wrestle the picture from George's hands.

George won, and unrolled the picture for Mrs. Weasley, Kingsley, Snape, and Moody to see.

Harry tried not to laugh for his best friend's sake, but it was too funny. Everyone in the kitchen, including Hermione, Ginny, and _Snape_ were laughing and ridiculing Ron's hideous drawing.

"Looks like them merpeople in the bottom of the Black Lake at 'ol Hogwarts!" Moody exclaimed. Everyone doubled over with laughter at this comment; this was exactly what Harry had thought.

"That's horrible, Ron!" Ginny said. "It looks just like you!"

Ron was fuming; even his ears were fire-engine red. His face was redder than his hair.

"What's the-?" Sirius walked in the kitchen and stopped, struck with laughter. George was still proudly holding Ron's hideous self-portrait. "My, my… _What_ is _that?"_

"It's- me," Ron said through gritted teeth. "I- _drew-_ that."

"Oh, dear, it's not too horrible, is it, now?" Mrs. Weasley tried to console him through her laughter, patting him on the back. "I think it's rather good. Good enough to- hang on the… _fridge?_ Is that what Muggles do with such things?"

Ron's self-portrait hung proudly on the fridge before an hour had passed.

Ron sulked in his room alone, making the best he could of his Geometry homework, when a knock on the door interrupted him.

"Who's that? Come to ridicule me even more?" he snarled.

"Open- the door," Snape's voice hissed from the other side of the door.

"All- all right…" Ron whimpered. "Come in…" He gulped.

Professor Snape opened the door and crossed the threshold in all his Batman-like glory, cape dragging on the floor.

"Yes, sir?" Ron said softly. He eyed the black case Snape was carrying. He instantly assumed there were some sort of Muggle murder tools in it and that Snape was coming to kill him. "I- I… I didn't do anything, I swear."

"Weasley, you're not in trouble," Snape spat. The look on his face softened. "I… Since we're all going to be in this house together… For a _very long time_… I believe we should all somewhat try to get along," he said slowly. Ron didn't meet Snape's eyes.

"You're- you're going to kill me, aren't you?" Ron whimpered, edging further and further back on his bed as Snape put his black case on the desk.

"Weasley-"

_Thud._ Ron fell off the back of his bed.

"Weasley, get up!" Snape hissed. Ron scrambled back onto his bed and tidied his Geometry papers. He rubbed his head.

"Anyway," Snape continued, "I feel like we should all make an effort to _try_ to get along, and seeing that _hideous_ portrait you brought home today, I feel that this should be the first try."

"Oy, can't you people stop with the portrait already?" Ron started to turn red.

"Mr. Weasley, you shall still address me as 'Sir' or 'Professor'," Snape said harshly. "Kingsley and Moody have been talking about creating one unit in this house; a unit that stays together and can sit in the same room without a fistfight breaking out, and they designated _me_ to start to unite this unit, seeing the mutual loathing between myself and most of you."

Ron's eyes grew wide. _What?_

"So… What does this have to do with my picture?" he asked.

"I, Mr. Weasley, am going to teach you how to _draw," _Snape said with a raised eyebrow. "Come and sit," he pulled out another chair from the desk.

Ron's eyebrows knitted in shock. "You- you… _draw?"_

"Indeed. It is little known that I actually have a degree in the fine arts." Snape said.

Ron couldn't believe his ears. His eyes widened into saucers.

Snape opened the black case. Ron still had the nagging fear that he would see some sort of Muggle murder tool in it, but instead, Snape pulled out… a sketchbook.

Snape flipped to the first page. On it was a single circle; shaded perfectly. He flipped to the next one, holding numerous studies and sketches of hands and feet; detailed and extremely realistic.

"Wow," Ron breathed. Snape, an artist? "Can I… look?"

"Go ahead and flip through while I take out my supplies," Snape said. Ron was surprised that he was actually allowing him liberty to look through something as private as Snape's sketchbook.

Ron flipped through and through, scanning over studies of the human figure, anatomy of Grindylows and Hippogriffs, and short sketches.

He closed the book. "You're- you're amazing," he said breathlessly. Snape was setting up paper and sharpening some pencils.

Snape's dark eyes made direct contact with Ron's blue ones. It felt odd complimenting Snape, and Ron knew Snape felt odd accepting the compliment.

"Thanks," Snape said. "Now please direct your miniscule attention span to the paper and pencil in front of you," he resumed his usual snarkiness.

Ron quickly gripped the pencil.

"Draw me a circle," Snape ordered.

Ron's face fell. "But, sir… I can't…"

"Just draw me a circle," he snapped. Ron frantically drew a… squarish and circular, yet triangular shaped figure.

"That's hideous."

Ron gulped. "I know…"

"But that's fine. We must start somewhere," Snape said.

Snape and Ron continued with their drawing lesson until Ron had learned the proper technique for circle drawing.

"Hey, Ron! Ron, let me copy your-" Harry stopped in the doorway and did a double take. "Sn- er, Professor?"

"What do you want, Potter? Can you not see that I am in the middle of something?" Snape snapped.

"Sorry sir," Harry said, then made a quick exit.

What in…? He couldn't even _imagine_ what was going on.

In the passing week, Harry had noticed that Ron was strangely improving in art class. It _had_ to be from Snape, Harry assumed.

"I doubt he'd teach _you_ how to draw," Ron said. "He still hates you, you know."

"Yeah, I know, mate," Harry said. "But don't go around acting like you're Snape's favorite student either… You know that's reserved for Malfoy," Harry snickered.

**A/N: I'm going to try to get the next chapter up ASAP. Meanwhile, read, enjoy, and review! **


End file.
